Never underestimate the stupidity...

In a rush? No longer must you go without breakfast! Witness a technological miracle: the microwavable banana! Ready to eat, fresh from your microwave, in mere minutes. On sale now in a hallucinatory supermarket near you.

Are you lazy? Are you tired of the hassle and hardship of putting pre-sliced bread in the toaster and pushing the little handle down? Those days are over. Find brand new quick-and-easy instant toast (Now with rich, homestyle imitation-butter!) in the ziggurat of cinnamon, right next to the marmalade. (Marmalade. You like marmalade.)

We’ve taken perfectly good coffee beans and processed them using a patented top-secret formula. The resulting product can be reconstituted into a nauseating brownish liquid—and it’s an entire four seconds faster than brewing a pot of real coffee. The result is caffeine-free, is completely undrinkable to those with functioning tongues, and costs more than unadulterated coffee beans. A true triumph of marketing. Look for it in the coffee aisle, where it is often miscategorised.

“Bullshit! It’s the best thing since sliced bread! Try some today.”